Chapter Text
Rudolf: Red. We need to talk.
red: is this about that one guy who possessed reagan?
Rudolf: Yes.
red: you went through two challenges without mentioning him, you were doing so well!
Rudolf: I’ve been evaluating evidence. Look at the name and compare it to the individual Reagan expressed hatred towards.
red: …gorbachev?
Rudolf: The other one.
red: stalin? OHHHH. so you think joey is actually stalin?
Rudolf: Given that Stalin himself is dead in my reality, unlikely that he’s the actual Stalin. Which means I need to talk to the Youtube Dislike Button.
dislike: hey i got mentioned
Rudolf: Yes. Now was this ‘tweet’ you were oddly secretive about referencing pseudonyms?
dislike: yes. you really just ruined the stalin joke by turning it into a red herring. disappointing.
Rudolf: The difficulty with finding Joey Steel was that there were no records of him. So I think we have someone who was initially called Joseph Stalin who named themselves Joey Steel instead to avoid the embarrassment.
red: that… seems somewhat obvious, but how does that help you?
Rudolf: Because he’s somewhere here. He was able to speak through Reagan. He’s one of the contestants. And you seem to have some detective skills, yes?
red: i am from hit game among us, of course i know people. public lobbies are easy to manipulate when they’re not being the absolute worst and voting me out just because they thought it would be funny.
purple: yeah, i feel you.
red: OH MY INNERSLOTH, CAN YOU STOP JUST APPEARING?!
purple: dislike you’re getting teleported
dislike: cool
dislike button is teleported to the skeld
purple: we’re starting with the advantage that poo poo bum bum wee wee is recieving!
vigi: why are these names like this?
Matt: At least it means something. Who the hell names themselves ‘Vigi’? Oh wait, I know who, one of the least appreciated Smash Bros characters who people only care about because she can impersonate Sans.
sans: wait, they kept my clothes?
vigi: …what?
sans: too lazy to attend the tournament so i just mailed my clothes. surprised they kept them.
prple: advantages! here they are:
- Maverick - Option 1
- shoop - Option 1
- Eight. - mario's testicl*s.
- G - The letter g gains a really loud reverb every "g"
- FacTorial - A Brie-zooka from the Cheese Dimension
- White_Tiger - the ability to change one letter of the team name
- ADAGE - Spaghettification
- beaner - a weapon of Hate^TM
- Ohio skibidi rizz - Poo
supply: …’Option 1’?
purple: made an error with the form initially. thanks for pointing it out eight! so i took creative liberties.
an anvil labeled ‘Option 1’ lands on Joker
vigi: HOW WERE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE.
Joker: Oof, this hurts. God, I am in so much pain right now.
Akechi: Suffer, Ren. Oh, wait, is it Akira? Or does the player sort of just MAKE IT UP?
Matt: I’m almost impressed by the sheer amount of venom that held.
Goomba: NEVER MIND THAT, MARIO’S testicl*S?
mario’s testicl*s appear on the floor whilst the distant screams of an italian plumber are heard
Goomba: Someone open the airlock.
Morbius: Sure, my friend who I enjoy spending time with.
Morbius opens the airlock while Goomba kicks the testicl*s out into space
Goomba: SUFFER, YOU STUPID PLUMBER BITCH!
g: g
the reverb is heard
Goomba: That’s going to get annoying, and you know what? I don’t care. I’m too elated to give a sh*t.
the goomba then feels a force on his head
Goomba: OW. Oh, this must be the Brie-zooka. I’m going to get a lot of milege out of this.
Akechi: Not how you spell it.
supply: I’m sorry, are you being a prescriptivist right now?
Matt: The f*ck is a ‘prescriptivist’?
dislike: i have decided that i am going to change the 8th letter to ‘a’
poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet
supply: Well, now this just makes less sense.
Dude: Spaghettification, huh? Can I do that to Springtrap?
Springtrap: Why am I here now? I was busy making things.
Springtrap is suddenly elongated to an unbearable extent
Springtrap: MY LIMBS ARE FLOPPY. HOW IS METAL FLOPPY. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
sans: why the long face? ( ba dum tss )
Dude: Terrible, but it’s Springtrap so that makes it funny.
Springtrap: I WILL VORE YOU.
Dude: Hey, I’m just giving child killers what they deserve, no need to threaten me with a good time.
Springtrap: GO TO HELL.
Springtrap is gone
Goomba: Never mind that, what’s this weapon of Hate^TM?
a weapon of Hate^TM lands on the supply teacher, who inspects it
supply: …this is just a Twitter Blue subscription.
purple: it fits, right?
Twitter Blue User, It’s called X now, you enemies to free speech. You can reflect upon your WOKE skie
the Twitter Blue User is immediately wiped from existence
purple: no.
and finally, a giant poo lands right on Morbius, crushing him
Morbius: AHHHHHHHHHHH-
Morbius dies from suffocation
purple: now that that’s done with, let’s do prize votes! everyone got at least one, but only syphilis and jesus got more than one.
Jesus: Why would I receive a prize? I have no need for mortal possessions.
Matt: He won, didn’t he?
vigi: yep.
Matt: f*ck.
purple: vote reasons!
- Maverick - It’s crazy that the prophesied second coming of Christ happened for such a fairly mediocre game show. (Jesus)
- shoop - matt x ryan (the tutorial guy from wii sports) shipping cute (Matt)
- Eight. - howard be thy name. (Jesus)
- G - ULTRAKILL parry, although it did not work. Went hard. (Syphilis)
- FacTorial - caw caw amirite? (Crow)
- White_Tiger - go ro or go home (Akechi)
- ADAGE - Remember that time Jesus got mad at a tree and placed a curse on it? I sure do (Jesus)
- beaner - poor girl got shot :( (Syphilis)
- Ohio skibidi rizz - Tumblr sexy man (sans)
Matt: Surprised you know about Ryan. Also, f*ck all of you except shoop.
Crow: Out of interest, for no particular reason, what would be your favourite movie ever made?
Matt: Why are you asking me this?
Crow: Team bonding, of course. We have only known each other for around 10 days at this point.
Akechi: Why bother? He’s obviously getting kicked out.
Jesus is given a USB stick
Jesus: Thank you for this gift and your continued support.
Matt: Tell me someone voted for him.
purple: jesus would have been safe anyway with zero votes, along with sans.
sans: we stay winning.
Matt: You haven’t even done anything, you lazy c*nt.
purple: crow agent watch only got one vote against them.
Matt: Again, done literally nothing.
Crow: I do not mean to brag, but I currently am in a better position than you.
purple: akechi also only got one vote. which means it’s between matt and syphilis. one of them got 3 votes, the other got 4.
Matt: What the f*ck. Literally the only two useful members, as well.
Akechi: Stop acting as if you’re actually beneficial to us when you literally caused the last challenge.
Matt: Someone’s just pissy because their boyfriend keeps dying.
Akechi: AND SO WILL YOU IF YOU REFERENCE JOKER ONE MORE TIME, YOU PIECE OF sh*t.
Matt: What? Didn’t say who it was.
Akechi: YOU KNOW FULL WELL WHAT YOU MEANT.
Syphilis: Can we just… can we please just end it quickly?
purple: sure. matt got 4, syphilis got 3, so matt is out and going to the time cube!
Matt: f*ck EVERYONE EXCEPT SYPHILIS.
Akechi: …why single out Syphilis?
Matt: Cool arm. f*ck the rest of you.
purple: here are the voting reasons:
- Maverick - I think that dissing the literal Son of God is an absolutely horrible idea that is only going to lead to you getting into trouble. (Matt)
- shoop - i dunno (Syphilis)
- Eight. - suck my crowk also you're lame. (Crow)
- G - Imagine drugging the concept of christian fundamentalism? Goes hard but can't choose between anyone else. (Matt)
- FacTorial - not caw caw therefore bad (and bald) (Matt)
- White_Tiger - being told to vote for someone makes the contrarian in my brain activate. i like syphillis but their name sounds like the guy who rolls the boulder (Syphilis)
- ADAGE - I prefer Nintendo (Syphilis)
- beaner - he called me a clown (Matt)
- Ohio skibidi rizz - Idk icl (Akechi)
Matt: Literally when did I call you a clown? Never. You’re not funny enough to be a clown, bitch.
sans: someone’s mad. mad to the bone. ( the bad to the bone riff plays)
Akechi: I will never understand how you just play those. Anyway, goodbye, Matt. It wasn’t fun.
g: gg
Crow: The reverb is interesting.
Akechi: I’m going to post on Twitter about happy I am.
Akechi opens his Twitter account, scrolls a bit and then stops
Akechi: WHO POSTED THIS?! WHO HACKED INTO MY ACCOUNT?
Crow: That sounds unfortunate. If you need any online security advice, I have a fair amount.
Akechi: NEVER MIND THAT, MY REPUTATION IS RUINED. I WASN’T EVEN OFFICIALLY DEAD, AND NOW I LOOK LIKE AN INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORIST! ‘I’m not saying all vaccines cause autism’, ‘When are they going to show us the moon landing set’, THEY TURNED ME INTO A FLAT EARTHER! WHAT IS THIS?!
Matt: No one cares about your stupid Twitter account.
purple: thanks for reminding me, time cube you go!
Matt: NO THE f*ck YOU
Matt falls into the Time Cube
MATT HAS LOST THE GAME
purple: anyway, everyone is now at the car park. which is good. you’re all getting trapped in an escape room! seperate ones for each team.
Charlie: seriously?
vigi: i designed these pretty well. enjoy struggling.
purple: last two out lose. that’s right, we’re doing a double elimination. bye!
every contestant is now in an escape room
uwu
Alex: I mean, I like logic, but I have a pickaxe.
8: Use it.
Alex: Even better! I have TNT!
8: Not safe enough. Use the pickaxe.
Alex: Spoilsport.
Alex starts mining as Omori just… lies down
8: This could be an opportunity to build our relationships in this team further. After all, the more cohesion we have as a team, the better we will do.
Alex: I like your thinking! Hi! I’m Alex! I like cake, explosions and women! My favourite hobby is having an existential crisis every night as I wonder whether I’m experiencing all there is in life or whether I’m just another cog in an endless chain who will never actually mean something!
Omori: Relatable.
Greg: YE CAN SPEAK?!
Omori: …
Greg: Nev’r mind.
Ralph: I’ll go next. Hello. I am Ralph the Anti Piracy Scorpion, and from the day I was born, I knew one thing. I was meant to defend the multibillion dollar companies from the evils of PIRACY.
Greg: Seri’usly?
Ralph: I knew that I was made to stop these evil scum from stealing everything. They don’t know the cost of what they do. I once knew a person called David Zaslav. These villains pirated movies that weren’t being released because they were seen as tax write offs, and he could only afford ONE golden plane. DO YOU KNOW HOW DISTRAUGHT HE FELT?!
Greg: Ye mean I can activ’ly disadvant’ge Zaslav? Yer no helpin’ yer case, me arachnid crewmate.
Ralph: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MEANT TO DO. DEFEAT THESE PIRATES. BUT THEY JUST KEEP COMING AND COMING! DOES NO ONE THINK OF THE BILLIONAIRES?!
Chicken: somehow facepalms despite not having hands
yellow: yeah, this is pretty facepalm worthy.
8: And who would you be?
yellow: all these rooms have wardens. i was hired for this one. i’m getting a copy of rubik’s cube for the 3ds, so, you know, i’m happy. just gonna twerk now.
yellow twerks while Alex keeps mining
ogfr
red: let’s see what we got. huh, a car? interesting.
Doofenshmirtz: BEHOLD! THE INSTANT-ESCAPE-FROM-ESCAPE-ROOMS INATOR!
red: why did you invent that?
Doofenshmirtz: It all started when my parents abandoned me in an escape room when I was 6. I was picked up by Child Services, but they just laughed. Drusselstein doesn’t have the best law services. It helped dent my trust in them.
Charlie: yeah, law services suck. get better. anyway, is this guy ok with us leaving?
Specimen 9: horrific screeching
red: that sounds like a yes. let’s go!
Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz immediately exits with the inator
purple: and that’s one done!
Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: safe
sans undertale gaming
sans: what’s up, gamers. today we’re doing some escape rooms.
Akechi: Go back to the puns. Please. This is even worse.
sans: :skullemoji:
sans then teleports out
Akechi: OH, AND JUST LEAVE US HERE TO DRY?! Well, never mind, let’s see what we have he
Jesus uses the divine power of the Lord to leave
Akechi: WHY. We only have three people now.
Crow: For what it is worth, fellow contestant, there seems to be a tablet. It would likely be beneficial to check it for any clues.
Akechi: Yes. Syphilis, may you do the honours?
Syphilis: S-s-sure.
Syphilis picks up the tablet
Baldi: Great job! Now, I’m not technically meant to do this, but I’ll let you all go free if you can answer the questions using the You Can Think P
Akechi throws his pokeball at Baldi, capturing him
Syphilis: W-w-w-w-why w-w-would y-y-you d-d-do th-th-th-th-that?
Akechi: Did you SEE the third question last time?
Syphilis: …g-good point.
Akechi: This also means we have an advantage for later, plausibly. Now, I believe we’re the only three here, yes? Jesus, as virtuous as he is, is arguably too virtuous, and Sans is, well, Sans . I propose a three way alliance.
sans: three way, huh?
Akechi: DID YOU REALLY JUST COME BACK TO MAKE A sh*tTY SEX JOKE?
sans: yeah. now i’m too lazy to move. get to escaping and all that. i’m gonna drink some ketchup and then take a nap.
Akechi: I detest you.
Joker: But I thought you hated me.
Akechi: HOW DO YOU KEEP APPEARING?!
Joker: Relax. I’m here to help you out.
sans: counter argument.
Joker then slips on a nothing and dies
Akechi: Seriously, what was the point of that?
the what
Springtrap: Hey, who’s that there?
Makoto Nijima: How did I even ge- no. nonono. not you anyone but you nonononono please don’t hurt… you know what? I’m DONE BEING SCARED
Springtrap immediately pulls out a flamethrower and burns her alive
stay puft: …why are you like this? look, the walls have all crashed down for some reason.
Tamatoa: Probably my sheer size. It would make sense.
stay puft: never mind why, there’s the exit! let’s go!
Minos Prime: Salvation was simple to accomplish.
Miku: Wait, doesn’t this seem… well… too easy?
stay puft: we’re leaving this sh*t and being safe, why’s that bad?
Miku: This feels like a trap.
Springtrap: Literally how. Why would they bother trapping us for, what, the giant crab destroying the room?
Minos Prime: Loathe as I am to admit it, thy point is valid.
Miku: Oh, I was just playing Devil’s Advocate.
stay puft: makes senes.
Tamatoa: I’m not entirely sure what a ‘senes’ is, but he’s right. Let’s go!
poo poo bam bum wee wee
dislike: we should just use that brie-zooka thing, right?
supply: …something’s wrong.
dislike: in the room or
supply: You have NEVER once been helpful at any point. Your whole act seems to be to cause chaos. What are you planning here? What are you going to do?
dislike: i feel like you’re negatively labeling me here.
Goomba: I mean, she’s not wrong.
dislike: wow. you know what? just for that, i won’t help you out anymore. you’re being kinda rude here.
vigi: it’s not cool.
g: g
the reverb causes the entire room to shake and a magnet to fall on the revived Morbius
Morbius: Look, I’m get I’m very attractive
supply: ‘I’m get’?
Morbius: Oh no, I appear to have made a Minor Spelling Mistake.
Morbius evaporates into dust
suppply: …that doesn’t… what?
dislike: now look what you’ve done.
Blahaj: disapproving shark noises
g: g
Dude: Damn, and here I thought you weren’t an asshole.
Goomba: …what the mush is going on?
vigi: whatever you make of it.
Goomba: Why are you even here?
vigi: not sure. just am.
Goomba: Are you going to help us?
vigi: nope.
Goomba: Wow. Thanks for nothing, dickhe*d.
vigi: shouldn’t you be trying to escape?
supply: What are we meant to do with nothing but a magnet?
vigi: that’s for you to figure out. use logic.
dislike: i could use logic but i am instead going to follow the title’s orders and curl up into a ball and cry
the dislike button tries to curl up into a ball, but is not able to due to being a disembodied hand
dislike: well, one out of two isn’t the worst.
the dislike button starts crying
supply: …why are you like… never mind. I’m going to just hold the magnet out like this, and… uh… something?
Goomba: And you say you’re a teacher.
supply: YOU’RE RIGHT, I TRIED SO HARD TO HELP CHILDREN BUT I ONLY GOT TO BEING A SUBSTITUTE, I DIDN’T EVEN WANT THIS JOB I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A STABLE JOB TO PAY MY BILLS. I’ve failed… I’ve failed so hard…
the supply teacher curls up into a ball and cries
Dude: Hey, if it works, it works.
Goomba: HOW THE MUSH WOULD IT WORK.
Dude: Just say f*ck. I know you’ve said f*ck before.
Goomba: I’m pretty sure that’s been said enough by pretty much everyone else. I have my own swears, you know.
Dude: Your swears are sh*t.
Goomba: OH, f*ck OFF.
Dude: See? That works better than anything else you could’ve said. Man, it is good to be right.
vigi: i think you’re going to lose.
Dude: Probably, but we can take a hit.
Goomba: WHAT ATTITUDE IS THAT TO HAVE?! HOW AM I ONE OF THE ONLY SANE PEOPLE IN THIS TEAM, NO, THE WHOLE f*ckING COMPETITION?! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
Dude: Uh, last I checked, it was only 57 mental illnesses. Might have miscounted, though. I’m a busy person, I have errands to run. You get it, right?
Goomba: 57?!
Dude: Last I checked, anyway. Why?
Goomba: …never mind.
uwu
Alex: Phew, this is taking a while!
Greg: I can take ovarr if ye want.
Alex: No, it’s fine! Anything to distract from the overwhelming boredom I feel when I’m not being stimulated by constant activity!
Greg: Fair enough.
Omori: …
Ralph: At least nothing related to PIRACY is going to hap
a pirate ship crashes into the side of the room
yellow: hey, i spent ages not doing anything here! what gives?
pirate ship: we saw someone tempting fate and now we are here.
8: You might as well open the door to let us free. It is clear that we could simply exit using that wall.
yellow: makes sense
yellow lets them out
Greg: Not tha’ I be complanin’, but woud it no hav’ been easiarr to jus’ walk through th’ wall?
8: It was a false ship. The mining would have taken too long. Now we are secure.
purple: ooh, deception! unconventional, but i respect it.
uwu: ⍻⟟⍧⍑⌾☈⍦ ⏙⍲⎎ ⍲⎾⏙⍲⍦⎎ ⌾⌰☈⎎. ⏙ℍ⍦ 🜅⟟⅁ℍ⍑ ⍲⅁⍲⟟☊⎎⍑ ⟟⍑? ⅁⟟⍻ℇ ⟟☊ ⍑⌾ ⍦⌾⌰☈ ⍴☈⟟⍓⍲⎾ ⌰☈⅁ℇ⎎. ⅁⟟⍻ℇ ⟟☊ ⍑⌾ 🜅⍲⍑ℇ. ⎎⌰☈☈ℇ☊⟄ℇ☈ ⍑⌾ ⍓ℇ.
purple: there was no need for
yellow: yes. i will, lord. i will surrender to you. i will follow you everywhere.
yellow has submitted to ꔪꛎꚲꛎꚽ𖣠𖢧𖣠𖢧ꛅ
purple: did that really need narrating? eh, whatever. i don’t know what you’re
yellow starts floating in the air as a hole opens up in the sky
ꔪꛎꚲꛎꚽ𖣠𖢧𖣠𖢧ꛅ: ⍲☊⟄ ☊⌾⏙, ⍦⌾⌰ ⍲☈ℇ 🜅☈ℇℇ 🜅☈⌾⍓ ⍑ℍ⌾⎎ℇ ⏙ℍ⌾ ⏙⌾⌰⎾⟄ ⟄⌾ ⍦⌾⌰ ℍ⍲☈⍓.
yellow is then… gone
purple: i’m not sure what just happened, but it seems interesting enough.
Alex: Huh.
Omori: completely neutral
red: i’m not sure what the hell just happened so i’m just going to sabotage akechi. where’s that mute button?
sans undertale gaming
Akechi: I believe that to escape this room, we should first
Akechi is then muted
Akechi: …
Akechi realizes he is not speaking, and decides to speak in sign language
Syphilis: Oh, y-y-you k-know s-s-sign l-l-l-l-langauge too?
Akechi: signs ‘Yes’
in Japanese sign language
Syphilis: …I’m so s-s-sorry, b-but I o-o-only know ASL.
Akechi proceeds to bang his fists on a table repeatedly
Crow: If I may say so myself, I believe I have figured out the solution.
the crow then walks to a wall
Crow: Release us or I will leak the Discord messages.
causing the wall to immediately jump away in fear
sans: that works. great job, people.
purple: and the what and poo poo bam bum wee wee lose!
stay puft: wait, how did we lose, we were out in like 2 seconds!
purple: no you weren’t
vigi: you definitely weren’t.
stay puft: it couldn’t fit tamatoa! it crashed down!
8: Reality is not often what you thought it would be.
Minos Prime: I believe that we have been, as thy say, ‘f*cked over’.
purple: so, uh, vote for someone from both of those teams for a prize win and to get voted out! wooooooo!
POO POO BAM BUM WEE WEE AND THE WHAT HAVE LOST THE CHALLENGE
dislike: hate me, hate me, say that you hate me
stay puft: don’t say that you hate me. i still need to get that human organ donation station set up. you won’t crap over a poor marshmallow’s dream, will you?
supply: I’m going insane. But I’m in this, so please don’t vote me out because I don’t want NO buffer between anyone and Matt.
Minos Prime: Please, I have so much left to accomplish.
g: g
Tamatoa: A vote against me is a vote for the literal child murderer. That’s all I’m saying.
Dude: I will delete Postal 3 from existence if you vote me for the prize.
Miku: I won’t, but come on, you wouldn’t vote everyone’s favourite idol, right?
Morbius: HAVE SEX
Springtrap: Lmao.
Goomba: I will find you.
Blahaj: shark noises
purple: see you next episode!
form over sorry :(
supply: I know you’re meant to be impartial as a teacher, but the ‘Youtube Dislike Button’ is not a student, so can I express that I DESPISE her?
Knight: tries to nod but sadly does not succeed as part of being a chess piece
Charlie: wait, why am I here?
supply: To join an alliance. The ‘Anti Dislike Alliance’.
Minos Prime: Th(y)eir end will be near!
Charlie: sure, why the hell not?
Knight: moves in an L shape
Ralph: I feel like she’s pirated material before. So I shall join!
supply: Then let us prepare to teach her a lesson!
poo poo bam bum wee wee: youtube dislike button, supply teacher, the letter g, The Postal Dude, Dr Michael Morbius, World 1-1 Goomba, Blahaj, Skipeter toilet
Ohio Gyatt Fortnite Rizz: red, GUEST 666, Ronald Reagan Clone, Charlie the Chili, Knight from chess, Rudolf Antler, Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz
uwu: Playstation 3 Advert Baby, Pringles Guy, Alex, Omori, Greg Homebrew, Ralph The Anti Piracy Scorpion, Crossy Road Chicken, Specimen 8
sans undertale gaming: Syphilis the Xbox Avatar, Crow Agent Watch, Goro Akechi, Matt , Jesus ‘Christ’ Bible, sans undertale, Tom Nook
the what: stay puft, Minos Prime, Tamatoa, Hatsune Miku, DOGMA, Springtrap
